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Kim Brown
…I am more lost than anyone knows- I carry a massive hurt that I don’t understand- im such a good person, but somehow I just feel rejected by God- songwriting has always been a strong gift- i would sleep in my car and travel just to write music if I could- that’s how much I love it- I was supposed to get my tubes tied after my third child but had to get a blood transfusion and couldn’t- they gave me an iud and that’s what I got pregnant on with my autistic son- I didn’t understand for so long, but suffering from severe depression, he has become quite the beautiful antidote against suicide- many years ago, the vp of sony records got ahold of my work and wanted to meet me- my oldest son had collapsing lungs, and as a single parent I didn’t have a sitter- after rescheduling many times, he sadly but understandably so moved forward- years later another record label moved me and my children to jersey that wanted me physically there writing for artists, but I assured them it wouldn’t work because of my autistic sons self injurious behaviors- long story short, we moved, they took care of everything, but I soon got complaints of my sons screaming- the label moved us again- same occurrence- so I let it all go and came back to indy where I could afford to live- we’ve been here since- why do so many doors close for me? why have a gift I cannot use? im financially struggling with a multi million dollar mind- why? ive been celibate for years- i try to live my life according to God- never was one to bring men around my children- sometimes i ask, does God want me writing for him? my music wasn’t bad but maybe he wants my gifts for him- but the songs I write aren’t provocation- so I don’t understand- I sit back and watch other talented souls with their careers taking off- they don’t just write gospel music- why did their doors open? they smile and do what they love- while nothing but doors have closed for me- my children never got to witness the magnitude of who their mother was- just struggle and hardship- I feel so disconnected from God, because I feel he is disconnected from me- does he not love me? did I do something beyond forgiveness? I just wish i understood why doors open for some and not others- especially the good ones- I am severely broken, shattered, and abandoned- all while having to be a mother and wear a daily smile- if God didn’t accept me on earth, what if im not accepted in heaven? im hurting.